The Quantum Ogre: A Dialogue (credit to Reddit user u/SCVannevar)
GM: You come to a fork in the path. You can go left or right. You don't see anything remarkable about either path, and they both seem to be headed toward the Fortress of the Evil Warlock, although the left hand path looks a bit more direct.
Player: I go down the left hand path.
GM: Okay, you carry on down the left hand path. After about a mile you come around a bend in the path and you see, standing in your way, an ogre.
Player: Oh, come on!
GM: What?
Player: I thought you took this game seriously.
GM: What are you talking about?
Player: You're giving me a quantum ogre!
GM: A what?
Player: A quantum ogre. It's an encounter you had planned ahead of time, and intend to carry out no matter which way I went, thus robbing my character of agency.
GM: You're saying that if you had turned right instead of left, that ogre would still have been there?
Player: Exactly!
GM: How do you know that?
Player: Well, you're running a campaign, aren't you? You're following the text, which has foreordained the presence of an ogre at this time and place!
GM: Are you saying you've read the text of the campaign?
Player: Of course not.
GM: Then in the first place, how do you know the campaign says that there's an ogre here?
Player: Well, either that, or you're deviating from the text.
GM: How do you know I'm not deviating from the text?
Player: ...well...
GM: And in the second place, what makes you think that the ogre would be there if you had gone down the right hand path?
Player: Well, would it?
GM: I'm not telling you what's down the right hand path.
Player: Why not?
GM: Because you're a good mile from that location, you can't see or hear anything. Whatever's down there may come into play later, and your lack of knowledge about it may impact events.
Player: Sigh. Fine, I go back and go down the right hand path instead.
GM: Actually, the ogre has already noticed you, and is charging toward you, its club raised. Roll initiative.
Player: Oh, come ON!
GM: Hey, you chose to go down the left hand path.
Player: But my choice is meaningless because you put a quantum ogre there!
GM: Neither you the character nor you the player has any way of knowing it's a quantum ogre.
Player: Well... Do you give me your word that it's not a quantum ogre?
GM: Technically, I can't do that. There are gods and other powerful beings in this world, including the Evil Warlock who knows you're coming for him, and they may have decided to put the ogre in your path.
Player: Did they?
GM: You don't know. It doesn't seem likely, but you can't exclude it.
Player: Sigh. Look, can we just skip the ogre and fast forward to the Fortress of Evil Warlock?
GM: Why?
Player: Because ogre encounters are boring. I want to go straight to the Fortress; that's why I went left in the first place, remember?
GM: So you insist on absolute player agency by ruling out the possibility of any quantum ogre, but you also insist on not necessarily having to face the consequences of the exercise of your agency?
Player: No! But--
GM: Then roll initiative.
Player: But you're the one who determines those consequences!
GM: Would you rather YOU determined those consequences? You want to be the GM?
Player: I want you to set consequences in line with the exercise of my agency!
GM: In other words, you want to go from point A to point B without having to encounter any ogres.
Player: Exactly!
GM: In an area you know to be rife with ogres.
Player: Only because you say it is.
GM: It's called the Ogre Basin.
Player: That doesn't mean there have to be ogres!
(Pause.)
GM: So, do you want to move the campaign to a location without ogres?
Player: Well no, I want to go to the Fortress of the Evil Warlock so that I can kill the Evil Warlock and seduce the Well-Bosomed Wench, so I have to stay in the Ogre Basin.
GM: You just want guaranteed safety from ogres.
Player: I want to have fun! Is that too much to ask?
GM: No, but your idea of fun seems to involve the exercise of omnipotent powers in a framework where, by design, you have the power of a mere mortal.
Player: Well... a magical mortal.
GM: Do you have Vaporize All Ogres memorized?
Player: Don't be smart.
GM: Look, you're the one who wanted to go left. Facing an ogre is a consequence of going left. You want to play in a world without your actions having consequences, play with another GM. Better yet, find a god simulator on Steam.
Player: Sigh. Look, the whole point of playing a role playing game is to make free choices and see the results of those choices -- and the whole point of doing THAT is to have fun. Otherwise, we'd just live in the real world, right? So I'm asking you, just this once, can we skip the ogre?
(Pause.)
GM: Well . . . just this once. We're not making a habit of it.
Player: I understand.
GM: All right. There's no ogre, there never was. You keep walking toward the Fortress of the Evil Warlock.
Player: Awesome.
GM: A little way up the road, you see three gnomes arguing over a small, shiny trinket.
Player: Oh come on, this is just another quantum ogre in disguise.
GM: We're not having that same discussion again.
Player: Ugh. Well, can we skip this too? I hate gnomes.
(Pause.)
GM: Fine. No gnomes. Farther up the path, you see a pack of goblins.
Player: Boring. Skip.
GM: A series of fallen trees blocking the path.
Player: Skip.
GM: A leper with a mysterious pouch.
Player: Skip.
GM: A beautiful woman tied to a tree.
Player: Skip. Wait -- is she as well-proportioned as the Well-Bosomed Wench?
GM: Not even close.
Player: Okay, yeah, skip.
GM: Fine, I get the message. At the end of path, after a long journey with many dangers, adventures, and memories (snort), you finally arrive at the Fortress of the Evil Warlock.
Player: All right! See, this is what I wanted all along. This is what I call fun.
GM: I aim to please. Now, there are no obvious entrances; the whole compound is surrounded by a mile-deep chasm, and terrible shadows guard the battlements.
Player: No problem. I fly in through the window of the Wench's Tower.
GM: What? How?
Player: With my Helmet of Flight.
GM: You don't have a Helmet of Flight.
Player: (exasperated sigh) I'll go back to the village and purchase a Helmet of Flight. We can assume I got enough gold from all my adventures, right?
GM: Are you serious?
Player: Are you going to give me more boring quantum ogres?
GM: You know, just because it's not your cup of tea doesn't mean it's a quantum ogre. And as we've established, unless you're either a mind reader or cheating, you have no way of knowing any given encounter is a quantum ogre.
Player: Well, I assume it's a quantum ogre because I don't think you want me to have fun. I think you just want to railroad me.
GM: That's just not true.
Player: It must be, because I've made it clear I don't want to deal with ogres, or lepers, or goblins, or any of that! So you either respect my character's agency, or I'm out of here!
(Pause.)
GM: Fine. Your journey back to the village is uneventful. You find a Helmet of Flight without difficulty, and procure it without incident. Your journey back to the Fortress is uneventful. You don the Helmet, rise up the ground, fly over the heads of the terrible shadows and into the tower window, where the Well-Bosomed Wench is waiting with open arms and open bodice.
Player: Great! Although... look, I hate to complain, but you made that too easy. I mean, do you really understand the meaning and the spirit of a tabletop role playing game? ...hey, what are you doing with that pencil?