Seeking feedback on evocative writing

G

gru

A FreshHell to Contend With
I am trying to work on evocative writing for the next module I am writing. I wanted to ask for feedback for a sample of my work, to get a sense of what I should focus on. Below a re sample 4 room from one of the levels.

G9: Dread Tailor
Three wooden dummies sport half-finished royal garments. Bolts of splendid fabric are laid on a table alongside tailor’s tools.
  • Everything tries to kill you in this room. The ambush starts when the characters enter the room.
  • A cloud of needles flies towards the characters. Save vs breath or take 1D6 damage.
  • The dummies come to life and attack by ramming the characters. Game statistics like Wood Golem.
  • The crimson red bolt comes to life and tries to wrap itself around a character to strangle them. Game statistics like Strangle Weed.
  • There are 10 more bolts of cloth, inanimate. Each is worth 200gp and counts as an item.
G10: Grand staircase
Two suits of armor in Teutonic tabards flank a room-wide staircase leading up.
  • The armors attack anyone who approaches the staircase or attacks them. They proudly declare in old German that they will purge the pagan scum of the face of the earth. If the purged don’t seem to understand, they considerately switch to Latin.
  • The stairs creak loudly under the weight of the characters. If the boards are removed, they reveal an empty cavity under the staircase with yet another suit of plate armor +2.
  • Unless the animated armors are stored under the stairs after defeating them, they reassemble and will be present again the next time the party visits the room.
G11: Ravenous staircase
Warped oak stairs lead to the second floor.
  • The stairs are a single, massive mimic. It waits until the party is on the steps to glue them on and then attack them.
G12: Elevator
A foreboding iron cage with a worn out winch and foldable door.
  • Every time the party uses the elevator, make an encounter check. If an encounter succeeds, the elevator locks itself, trapping the party inside until the monster arrives. Make sure the party discovers this by first foreshadowing the monster and only make it arrive when the PCs try to open the elevator’s door.
  • Additionally, every time the party uses the elevator there is 1-in-6 chance that rope holding the cage breaks mid-run and zooms to the bottom. Everyone inside must make a saving throw vs paralysis. On failure they take 2D6 HP damage, on success half. The elevator operates successfully afterwards, as if nothing happened.
 
Beoric

Beoric

8, 8, I forget what is for
I don't have time for a full analysis so I'm just going to throw out some random comments as they occur to me.

First up, this isn't an evocative writing thing per se, but as written I'm pretty sure most players are going to end up attacking every inanimate object they encounter. If it was me, I would huff back to the nearest village, buy all the lamp oil I could, and burn everything. The problem is you have nothing telegraphing these monsters that would give the players have some shot at differentiating these objects from other objects.

So, the clothing on the mannequin is half finished, is that because it killed the tailor? Is the tailor's corpse nearby, bludgeoned and covered in pinpricks? Is the clothing on the mannequins torn, and on closer inspection is it apparent that it was torn as though it was in a scuffle? Is the fabric of the red bolt (which you did not call out in the description) waving, as if there was a breeze in the room? Does the pincushion tremble on close inspection? Do the mannequins' joint creak when the party enters the room?

Also, what events trigger the attack? You want to lure the party into the room, as opposed to having the animated objects rush for the door as soon as it is opened. Basically, what is their motivation, and how cunning are they (or their creators) in achieving their goal?

Do the suits of armor challenge the party before they attempt to approach the stairs, or do they wait until the party has already triggered the attack sequence to animate?

Are the boards of the mimic-stairs perhaps too thin, because the mimic isn't quite big enough to fill the space without making some compromises? Or is the staircase out of place in some other fashion? The players, and in fact the DM, don't need to know the why, there just needs to be something to put them on their guard.

As for evocative language, what makes the garments royal? Is there a long coat of a royal purple velvet, trimmed with ermine? And a waistcoat of silk brocade, with buttonholes sewn of cherry-coloured twist? And perhaps a scandalous gown of Tiffany, delicately embroidered with floss silk, and strewn with pearls along the hemline? Are the bolts a cacophony of silks and satins and fine wools, punctuated by a bolt of the finest red velvet? I don't even know what half that stuff is, I just searched Wikipedia for a few words I remembered hearing, followed a few links, and did a quick scan of Beatrix Potter's The Tailor of Gloucester, which is public domain and available online. I mean, you would probably have to trim some of that to keep the entry readable, but you get the idea.

Also, you didn't even mention the needles until after they attacked. Pointy stuff that is out in the open needs to be mentioned, or at least hinted at.

I figure the armor should reflect the personalities that have been assigned to them. Are they rich, impractical ceremonial wear, with embroidered silk tabards (ceremonial guard, for show), or simple, worn and sturdy, with woolen tabards showing signs of frequent and careful repair (the armor of soldiers)?

What makes the elevator foreboding? I would at least make the cage and gate rusty. I would probably have the gate difficult to close (but not requiring a check), and have the elevator refuse to move unless it is fully closed and latched; also the latch on the gate sticks, and requires some effort to open and close. And the whole thing groans in protest when it is used. Maybe have a couple of small bolts loose on the floor. That ought to make them wonder how often they should use the thing.

To be clear, I could never have come up with all of that on my own in my first draft. It is much easier to elaborate on ideas that somebody else has started. Otherwise, you have to write, and rewrite, and rewrite, and rewrite...
 
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squeen

squeen

8, 8, I forget what is for
Beoric has got it right. Evocative writing sets a mood. It "evokes" or conjures something out of your brain. A lot from a little.

These read like a news report...which if fine for technical writing. Trying too hard to write evocative text is often worse than being too dry or factual.
 
G

gru

A FreshHell to Contend With
Beoric: Thanks a lot for the suggestions! Having a second pair of eyes helps a lot! Missing needles, what is royal, foreboding - I will definitely work on this.

Telegraphing the danger: This is not a level 1-3 module, but 5-7, so I expect experienced players and Detect Traps/Detect Magic/Detect Danger. Nevertheless, I will see if I can plug in some more signals!
 
The1True

The1True

8, 8, I forget what is for

Feedback Thread: Description/Language

Alright, let's open ourselves to the abuse. Ignoring issues of formatting, what works better?: 1. The Hut: This 20' hemisphere looks like a shaman's tent, with rune-smeared burlap walls on a strapped-together bone frame. A huge (4' diameter), ornately embossed, cast-iron cauldron boils over a...
tenfootpole.org

there's another thread as well, somewhere deeper down.
 
The1True

The1True

8, 8, I forget what is for
The Merciless Merchant format is an excellent one! Grüezi and Malrex have a lot of good advice if you can rouse them from their hidden lairs ;)
 
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tetramorph

tetramorph

A FreshHell to Contend With
gru, I love these descriptions. Clear and totally useful at the table. But I am notoriously heretical when it comes to Lynchian orthodoxy and evocative prose.
 
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G

gru

A FreshHell to Contend With
@tetramorph Thanks a lot for the kind words! I am following the advice from http://www.tenfootpole.org/forum/index.php?threads/1-1-terseness-rewrite-1.43/, specifically example 3: "The Fortress of the Fungi Chemist, from The Lizard Man Diaries blog, takes an interesting approach to achieving this. Using just two sentences, on average it manages to create room descriptions that are easy to scan and delightful to imagine."

However, I noticed that the examples I lifted from my upcoming module happen to be mostly one sentence. Overall I try to fit into two sentences, which I think is the sweet spot between being short and being able to convey enough about a chamber to have something happening inside.
 
Malrex

Malrex

So ... slow work day? Every day?
Hey gru--
Evocative language is tough! I'm always trying to work on it myself.
I'm in agreement with Beoric on most of his comments.

Also some quick random comments....
Not sure its the vibe you are going for, but I had a thought it would be interesting to see a half-stitched up zombie (the tailor) in the first room. Maybe all the party sees is the legs sticking out so they have to move in closer to the room to investigate. The first bullet point "everything tries to kill you in this room"--I don't think that sentence is needed and is wasted filler. The zombie doesn't even have to come to life and attack--it could just be something that PCs may want to enter and investigate. They will expect it to be a zombie and attack, so they may be surprised when its the objects instead.

The two armors--so far, everything seems to be attacking. The armors could still attack, but maybe there is a roleplaying opportunity here and if the PCs are clever (i.e. find a password, or something) the armors would let them pass up the stairs (otherwise they will attack).

I like the idea of the Ravenous staircase...I would beef it out--maybe the railings have some detail, etc. But exactly as Beoric said, also give some sort of subtle clue that all may not be what it seems. If I was a player, I would see this description as a red flag....like, what was the point of the description, something must be up...but maybe thats because I know the map is numbered with a description to match...so instead I would beef it out a little bit and give the description more of a mood/vibe....and since this is also a mimic, some little clue. Otherwise, your party may stab every staircase they come across.

The elevator could look like a giant mouth with sharp teeth. I like the loose bolts on the ground idea.
  • Every time the party uses the elevator, make an encounter check. If an encounter succeeds, the elevator locks itself, trapping the party inside until the monster arrives. Make sure the party discovers this by first foreshadowing the monster and only make it arrive when the PCs try to open the elevator’s door.
Not sure I understand this bullet. I feel like I know what you are going for, but I think it needs a little more clarity. Does the monster keep appearing even if they slay it? Or is it different monsters from a wandering table? Is the party stuck in the elevator and the monster just thrusts a spear or something at them or does the doors open when the monster arrives? I feel like this encounter is a 'Gotcha' situation. I would instead make the elevator really loud to use so an encounter would make sense and give the doors a 50% chance to stay locked/closed. Hopefully its in a spot where its super convenient to use the elevator so worth the risk (i.e. they can either fight the reanimating suits of armor, or take chances with elevator).

Also, maybe the elevator is jerky when used or give some other clue so that PCs may think about checking on the rope...If they do check it, they may notice its frayed, etc.

Also, for layout...I'd consider some bolding. This is how I would do it....

G9: Dread Tailor
Three wooden dummies sport half-finished royal garments. Bolts of splendid fabric are laid on a table alongside tailor’s tools.
  • Everything tries to kill you in this room. The ambush starts when the characters enter the room.
  • A cloud of needles flies towards the characters. Save vs breath or take 1D6 damage.
  • The dummies come to life and attack by ramming the characters. Game statistics like Wood Golem.
  • The crimson red bolt comes to life and tries to wrap itself around a character to strangle them. Game statistics like Strangle Weed.
  • There are 10 more bolts of cloth, inanimate. Each is worth 200gp and counts as an item.
1. I would get rid of the first bullet.
2. I would move the cloud of needles bullet to be below the dummies bullet.
3. You mention dummies first--so this should be your first bullet. Crimson red bolt (which could look like blood if you add it to a tailor zombie corpse) should come next, then I would try to mention needles somewhere in the description and bold needles and then have your 'cloud of needles' bullet. I would say something like "Bolts of splendid fabric are laid on a table alongside needles, scissors, and other tailor type tools." Could even have scissors attack like the needles for 1d4 damage or something. But if you do that, bold the scissors, then bold it in the bullet point when you explain it.
4. You could keep the last bullet where it is since it is treasure.
 
G

gru

A FreshHell to Contend With
@Malrex Thanks a lot, this is extremely valuable! I will make the adjustments and also go through the rest of the module to see if I can apply the learnings.
 
Malrex

Malrex

So ... slow work day? Every day?
Thanks guys. Ray did all the writing, maps, and creative work. I just did editing and layout.
 
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