This Thread is a Dungeon

[squeen]

Stairs & sentries
A narrow chamber with the far arched exit to Green Pillars. Stone stairs creep along the wall and exit through the ceiling. The stairs arch over a dark doorway. The door handle is a carved wooden snake with spring loaded poison fangs (Save vs Poison or hand blackens and dies).
Two orcs (HD:1, AC: Leather & shield, Scimitar 1d6) are perched on the stairs, they will withdraw through the exit up the stairs if they spot light.

Two Orcs (I see what you did there) need to go first in the description. Their motion will grab your attention.

I have lost count---how many of your paragraphs are separate rooms? Maybe keep an updated tally with hyper-links at the top of the thread. Eventually, you can put the map there too.

 

[squeen]

Pig's Head Gateway The Oinker
Beyond the Green Pillars...

revised

 

[Beoric]

Ok, scientifically I know a vacuum is the absence of anything and so therefore it's technically nothing, but I mean "nothing" in the literary sense of the word. The implications are many-fold.

A vacuum is not nothing, it is still exists within the boundaries of the universe. The nothingness that lies outside of the boundaries of the universe, that is truly nothing.

See...this is why I am better off staying away from collaborative projects. I'm that a-hole in every rock band that can't stick-to-the-script and obsesses over minute details---causing the rest of the musicians to quit.

We all are. Everyone wants the dungeon to be the way he would write a dungeon. That might be able to work on a board where there is a relatively homogenous aesthetic, but what I value about this place is its diversity, which does make collaboration more difficult.

I actually have trouble writing a dungeon if I am not drawing a map at the same time. I like to do things like having multiple paths to an area, and giving each a different sort of challenge. The sort of thing that make a party decide maybe they won't go that way, until they have explored everything else and have to choose between two (or more) unappealing paths. If you don't map it out as you go the geometry might end up being unworkable.

 

[Two orcs]

@squeen a secondary point of this exercise is to describe and imagine 3D-space without a map as aid. I believe that if you can paint the picture verbally the players will be more drawn in and it also forces clarity/simplicity. The shaft in the Pig's head is horizontal right? Initially I was very confused to how it operated because in my mind a shaft is a vertical tunnel! If it's all horizontal the operation is quite clear. The machine does evoke a primal fear - remaining in the car during the automatic car wash as a child, or walking through the operating engine room of a ship next to the one armed machine chief.

Floor boards
Three arched exits, one leading to Green Pillars. Ancient dusty planks with inch wide gaps cover floor. Smell of fresh blood rising from them. Less dusty planks are loose, underneath a 4' deep space where stripped corpse of Evolutionary Custodian (Pig's Head brand over heart) hidden - shot through neck with black feathered arrow.

 

[squeen]

5. Pig's Head Gateway The Oinker
Beyond the Green Pillars, ...

revised again to add "horizontal shaft..." per Two Orc's suggestion. Thanks.

Also, I like the Pig tattoo/brand on the corpse! Never would have thought of that.

Still think you should make a small table/index of hyperlinks to the room posts at the start of the thread.
the link for the mine (above) is:
"http://tenfootpole.org/forum/index.php?threads/this-thread-is-a-dungeon.219/#post-4059"
just click on the post's time-tag at the top to get the specific address.

Heck, here's the table. Just quote this post then cut-and-paste back to the top:

Index of Rooms

Green Pillars Stair & Sentries Empty Pool Defaced Mosaic The Oinker Empty Room Floor Boards Big Man Alcove Hostage of the Moon-haters

 

[squeen]

I actually have trouble writing a dungeon if I am not drawing a map at the same time. I like to do things like having multiple paths to an area, and giving each a different sort of challenge. The sort of thing that make a party decide maybe they won't go that way, until they have explored everything else and have to choose between two (or more) unappealing paths. If you don't map it out as you go the geometry might end up being unworkable.

Join in! There nothing stopping you from making your own "private map".

"Revise. revise. revise. (until it doesn't suck)" Is my motto.

 

[squeen]

8. Big Man Alcove [Index]
Peering out of the shadows of a hallway nook, is an archer---black-arrow notched. Crowded beside him in the recessed space is a marble bust of a man's head on a simple pedestal. Crude graffiti on the wall behind the bust reads (in the black tongue of orcs) "PBig Man".

_____________________________________________​

marble bust: a figurehead of a man with a long, gaunt face and high cheekbones (see Grand Evolutionist). It's nostrils and ears are filled with dry dung.

pedestal: secret compartment in base contain a hollow bronze cylinder (one-half of a functional boom tube, type I).

archer: (surprises 3 in 6) the man with the bow is one Jehan Goldpiece and crouching behind him (hidden), his young squire Pat. He is vigilantly observing the baited-trap under the floor boards in the adjoining chamber (see Floor Boards) in the hope of flushing out some orcs.

Jehan Goldpiece: (F5) self-proclaimed "Hero of the Down-Trodden", Jehan lives in his own epic autobiography. Known for always wearing all-black plainclothes into combat and using arrows fletched with crow's feathers. He has tracked a marauding band of orcs into this dungeon, and is intent on collecting the 600 gp bounty for their leader's head---and even more determined to claim the 2,500 gp reward for returning the Viceroy's daughter they kidnapped.

• Jehan's apparent disregard for his own safety by not wearing armor is completely mitigated by the braziers of defense (AC:4) hidden under his tunic.​
• He is not above a bit of sabotage against competitors for either of the monetary prizes his seeks.​
• Intends to demand the Viceroy grant him his daughter's hand-in-marriage as an additional perk.​
• Feels the best way to help the commoners is "from above".​

Pat: (L0) nine year old "orphan" who is completely bamboozled by Jehan's natural charisma and tales of self-aggrandizement. Follows him around star-struck---sometimes recounting unflattering things Jehan wishes would remain unsaid.

TO DO:

• full stats

@Two orcs : If this isn't what you had in mind, I'll happily delete it.

 

[Two orcs]

@squeen note the exits in your rooms, they are necessary to give the dungeon structure and to allow Connections!

Hostage of the Moon-haters
16 orcs (HD: 1, AC: Leather & shield, Scimitar 1d6 or bow 1d6) and their leader Hannatur (HD: 3, AC: Chain, Battleaxe 1d8+1 or bow 1d6 or boom tube (type II, slung over shoulder by makeshift strap)) lair in huge collapsed hall. Pot of smelly blood and rat stew simmer over a fire pit. Central floors have collapsed creating a double tall hall. Four separating walls have partly collapsed creating a narrow cross shaped walkway. The four bottom rooms are connected via archways and two stairs access the walkway from the western rooms. Intact floor, cluttered with the beds and belongings, rings the hall. Empty boom tubes filled with hydraulic oil are fashioned into lamps to light the open exits (two stairways and one archway).

Under partly cleared rubble crushed bronze machinery and a burst open tank of hydraulic oil and crude scoops. A dozen man-hours of work clearing rubble reveals a glass cylinder holding a compressed and hibernating sea creature in blue liquid, one-half of a functional boom tube, type I. Several have been crushed by the rubble.

The Moon-haters is an orc warband known for audacious raids and greasy top-knots. They number 35 and have taken refuge here to negotiate ransom for their hostage: Madlaina, daughter to Viceroy Andrin (HD:½, AC: Unarmored, Vicious hair pin 1d4 + deadly poison, torn expensive dress). She is bound but not gagged as Hannatur enjoys getting into screaming matches then shutting her up by threatening her with the boom tube. The treasure of the Moon-haters is 20,000sp of hacksilver and a sapphire brooch with silver wings (800gp) divided in ten bags for easy transport.

In battle Hannatur will watch the stairs to the walkway with his boom tube. Two orcs from Stair & sentries will arrive in 3 round. The others will take the high ground with their bows. If morale check calls for withdrawal the sacks of treasure will be taken and the closest orc is given order to kill the hostage, she and loot is forgotten in full retreat. In the chaos of battle Madlaina will attempt to break bonds (1/6 chance per round) in secret: if opportunity will run or kill lone orc with hairpin.

Two stairways lead down, one to Stair & sentries. The eastern bottom rooms each have stuck doors. The walkway two archways, one closed by locked bronze grate, beyond a straight corridor.

 

[squeen]

I'll try to keep the exits clearly labeled. I like your Hostage Room a lot.

Here's some feedback:

a) The evidence of your senses is up front, which is good---staring with the monsters in the room. Also, the partially collapsed floor from above and walls, in particular. I get a great sense of environment from that. I also like the smell of the stew (and details), and the re-purposing of the boom tubes as lamps. It all gives me a nice post-apocalyptic vibe---Mad Max-esque. BigBryce talks about multi-layers of history weaving a more convincing tale.

b) A lot---and I think Bryce might say "too much"---is taken up by the topological description of the room, and as written, I'm still not sure I get it. Here's where the map comes into play. Byrce says use it. I am going to suggest we start including small inset maps for each room---just no passages. That way, the descriptions can leverage it as an info source. Either that...or we (all) are going to have to get a whole lot better with our spacial descriptions.

c) What is hacksilver? Should I already know? If it weights the same as regular silver, then there's 200-lb in each bag---too much for a band of fleeing orcs to have carried if pursued.

d) I prefer stat blocks, rather than in-line. Your thoughts? Let's hash this out.

e) We need to decide what boom tubes are. I admit, I picked the name in a sort of free-associative mental state hoping we could riff off of it. (Same thing with the Evolutionary Custodians.) The way the orc leader is use it, is like a gun...that's cool. Here's one other idea I had (post facto):

Boom Tubes (concept 1)​ ​ Hollow cylinders created from bronze, mystically alloyed with a rare earth metal found only in the deep mines of this dungeon. The tubes are split in two at creation, and allow spell projection through their length. A magic-user spell cast into one end of a boom tube, emerges from the other end of the tube's matched pair---regardless of the distance between them. Each spell cast through the tubes has a chance of failure that also breaks the connection between tube-ends.​

I thought this might allow a spell caster in a "Control Room" filled with boom tube halves to extend his/her powers throughout the complex. Clairvoyance/clairaudience makes for video cameras/walkie-talkies. Fireball and mounted tubes make for turret guns. etc. Stinking Cloud can been used for crowd-control tear gas canisters. They essentially extend a wizard's reach.

The "Types" can either be the level of spells that can go through them...or the quality of the fabrication process which affects their chance of breakage per use (or both).

I thought this might make for a weird little dungeon economy and interesting items/applications for the PC's to mess with. I also considered a larger hook where all the magic-user's in the region are also disappearing and have somehow been enslaved (somewhere) as "spell machines" to power the complex.

It's no problem if we go another direction. Perhaps an Evolutionary Guard are facilitating Hannatur's usage of it as a weapon because they can also use it to spy on the orcs.

Also, DUDE, will you please paste the Table of Contents from my post into the start of this thread?!?

___________________________________________

I have some ideas about a larger dungeon theme (2nd level stuff), I'll save for later. But for now, I want to emphasize that I think the primary utility of this thread is, as you say, to hone our writing skills. To that end, FEEDBACK is essential. It needs to be given. It needs to be debated. It needs to be incorporated (by editing previous entries). That's the only way we get better.

Honestly, the only reason I'm "here" is to learn. To be a better DM. To be a better writer. To be a better artist. That's it. If I'm not learning anything---then what's the point? Just another time suck.

And for any of us to learn, we need feedback. We aren't always blind to our own faults---but most the time, we truly are.

The Linux/Open Source Motto: "To enough eyes, all bugs are transparent."​

I also wish (constantly) @bryce0lynch would chime in, because we could really use his guidance. I know he's busy cranking out those weekly reviews at a prodigious rate, and also suffering from writer's angst/avoidance for his book, but I think he's missing an opportunity to Teach what he's learned from reviewing all those products to the few folks who show up here willing to listen. It's probably more productive at moving the future quality-needle than railing against an uncaring void (or even than writing his own mega-dungeon).

Have I made it painfully clear yet to all the lurkers in the house? That I am appalled by the general lack of constructive feedback? I mean, we have the mental energy to throw rotten tomatoes at ancient TSR modules, but none to help future writers or your fellow hobbyists willing to put themselves out there? In our Bat-Plague malaise, we can't even be bothered to press the "Like" or "Dislike" button?!? It makes no sense...PULL YOURSELVES TOGETHER PEOPLE! Where's your entrepreneurial GTC spirit gone now? Y'all were going to write a WORLD---but now, you can't even poop out one measly (non-empty) room?

Sad.

 

[Malrex]

8. Big Man Alcove [Index]
Peering out of the shadows of a hallway nook, is an archer---black-arrow notched. Crowded beside him in the recessed space is a marble bust of a man's head on a simple pedestal. Crude graffiti on the wall behind the bust reads (in the black tongue of orcs) "PBig Man".

_____________________________________________​

marble bust: a figurehead of a man with a long, gaunt face and high cheekbones (see Grand Evolutionist). It's nostrils and ears are filled with dry dung.

pedestal: secret compartment in base contain a hollow bronze cylinder (one-half of a functional boom tube, type I).

archer: (surprises 3 in 6) the man with the bow is one Jehan Goldpiece and crouching behind him (hidden), his young squire Pat. He is vigilantly observing the baited-trap under the floor boards in the adjoining chamber (see Floor Boards) in the hope of flushing out some orcs.

Jehan Goldpiece: (F5) self-proclaimed "Hero of the Down-Trodden", Jehan lives in his own epic autobiography. Known for always wearing all-black plainclothes into combat and using arrows fletched with crow's feathers. He has tracked a marauding band of orcs into this dungeon, and is intent on collecting the 600 gp bounty for their leader's head---and even more determined to claim the 2,500 gp reward for returning the Viceroy's daughter they kidnapped.

• Jehan's apparent disregard for his own safety by not wearing armor is completely mitigated by the braziers of defense (AC:4) hidden under his tunic.​
• He is not above a bit of sabotage against competitors for either of the monetary prizes his seeks.​
• Intends to demand the Viceroy grant him his daughter's hand-in-marriage as an additional perk.​
• Feels the best way to help the commoners is "from above".​

Pat: (L0) nine year old "orphan" who is completely bamboozled by Jehan's natural charisma and tales of self-aggrandizement. Follows him around star-struck---sometimes recounting unflattering things Jehan wishes would remain unsaid.

TO DO:

• full stats

@Two orcs : If this isn't what you had in mind, I'll happily delete it.

Feedback:
Shouldn't archer be discussed first since you highlighted it first?
Are PCs going to notice its a black arrow or the graffitti in the 'shadows of a hallway nook'? let alone read be able to read it? Maybe the graffitti--but maybe it gets its own highlight then the description can say Pig Man when there is time for closer inspection.
Jehan's motivations are good. Braziers of Defense (are they lit?) or Bracers of Defense?

So Pat is hidden, but we can read graffitti and see black fletched arrows and a man dressed in black in the shadows?

Also wondering...you go into some depth of Jehan...which I like, yet he is poised to strike which means my players are probably going to feel threatened and go in and slay them which makes all the background moot. Does he call out when he realizes the PCs aren't orcs?

 

[Malrex]

@squeen note the exits in your rooms, they are necessary to give the dungeon structure and to allow Connections!

Hostage of the Moon-haters
Sixteen orcs (HD: 1, AC: Leather & shield, Scimitar 1d6 or bow 1d6) and their leader Hannatur (HD: 3, AC: Chain, Battleaxe 1d8+1 or bow 1d6 or boom tube (type II, slung over shoulder by makeshift strap)) lair in huge collapsed hall. Pot of smelly blood and rat stew simmer over a fire pit. Central floors have collapsed creating a double tall hall. Four separating walls have partly collapsed creating a narrow cross shaped walkway. The four bottom rooms are connected via archways and two stairs access the walkway from the western rooms. Intact floor, cluttered with the beds and belongings, rings the hall. Empty boom tubes filled with hydraulic oil are fashioned into lamps to light the open exits (two stairways and one archway).

Under partly cleared rubble crushed bronze machinery and a burst open tank of hydraulic oil and crude scoops. A dozen man-hours of work clearing rubble reveals a glass cylinder holding a compressed and hibernating sea creature in blue liquid, one-half of a functional boom tube, type I. Several have been crushed by the rubble.

The Moon-haters is an orc warband known for audacious raids and greasy top-knots. They number 35 and have taken refuge here to negotiate ransom for their hostage: Madlaina, daughter to Viceroy Andrin (HD:½, AC: Unarmored, Vicious hair pin 1d4 + deadly poison, torn expensive dress). She is bound but not gagged as Hannatur enjoys getting into screaming matches then shutting her up by threatening her with the boom tube. The treasure of the Moon-haters is 20,000sp of hacksilver and a sapphire brooch with silver wings (800gp) divided in ten bags for easy transport.

In battle Hannatur will watch the stairs to the walkway with his boom tube. Two orcs from Stair & sentries will arrive in 3 round. The others will take the high ground with their bows. If morale check calls for withdrawal the sacks of treasure will be taken and the closest orc is given order to kill the hostage, she and loot is forgotten in full retreat. In the chaos of battle Madlaina will attempt to break bonds (1/6 chance per round) in secret: if opportunity will run or kill lone orc with hairpin.

Two stairways lead down, one to Stair & sentries. The eastern bottom rooms each have stuck doors. The walkway two archways, one closed by locked bronze grate, beyond a straight corridor.

Feedback:
Sixteen can be '16'..anything over 10 is general rule (in my opinion)--takes up less space. Bolding of orcs is good. What are they doing though? just standing around? Maybe they are around the smelly blood and rat stew with bowls or sprawled out on the beds? or making fun of the hostage?
Empty boom tubes might be first thing PCs see since its lighted, so maybe should go first.
Partly cleared rubbed could be described first....then with interaction, you can relay the bronze machinery and sea creature.
Are there 35 orcs here or 16..Im assuming the others may be somewhere else? Is it worth cross referencing later when you add them?
I like the sapphire brooch--but is it divided in 10 bags too?
You could add Strategy: then go into what occurs during the battle...I feel like that paragrpah needs something to catch my eye so I know whats going on during a battle.
Hostage might be something seen in the first paragraph.
I think its a good room with strategies, etc. but the organization needs to be tweaked.

 

[DangerousPuhson]

yet he is poised to strike which means my players are probably going to feel threatened and go in and slay them which makes all the background moot. Does he call out when he realizes the PCs aren't orcs?

Good call. When writing rooms, people make everything about the DM while forgetting that the whole game is the player experience first and foremost. There's this trend of writing a room as an entry to be reviewed and then translated into direct gameplay by the DM, but I find the more you write your rooms as direct gameplay translation, the less work required by the DM and the smoother the game flows. Putting first things first, so to speak.

Rooms keys should be set in sequence as they relate to the players, starting with the things that must be made immediately apparent to them, followed by the things they find when they poke around, and then finally you stick the mechanical crunchy bits and background stuff that carries beyond the room or into NPC interactions at the bottom of the key.

That being said, if the archer is not likely to be seen immediately, and is not likely to attack immediately (which is something that must be mentioned in the key), he can firmly be put into the "extra stuff when poking around" middle bit of the entry, especially if he's actively hiding (because the party won't interact with him until after they've visually scanned the room). However, if he were planning an ambush regardless of who comes through the door, then he's go at the very top of the entry with a call for a check to notice him before he gets an attack off.

 

[Beoric]

e) We need to decide what boom tubes are. I admit, I picked the name in a sort of free-associative mental state hoping we could riff off of it.

Boom tubes are a technological device from Marvel comics, about the size of a thick wand or magical rod. IIRC their primary function is to create a temporary teleportation portal or wormhole, but they may have secondary functions according the requirements of the plot.

 

[squeen]

@Malrex : You are THE MAN....or maybe not a man at all, a White Rhino---a thing so rare in the OSR: an actual editor. Many thanks. Got to nail this stuff down before October.

Boom tubes are a technological device from Marvel comics, about the size of a thick wand or magical rod. IIRC their primary function is to create a temporary teleportation portal or wormhole, but they may have secondary functions according the requirements of the plot.

DC comics actually -- Kirby's New Gods. There's also Mother Boxes. I hijacked the name (but not the function). As Two Orcs points out, they could just as easily be an appropriate name for guns.

 

[Two orcs]

I imagine the boom tubes to be diverse devices. I imagine type I as a sonic device (bronze cylinder concentrating the sound pulse from a compressed miniature whale) that can either be used as a stun gun or if pressed against a creature a shock weapon. If held against rock the sound wave will shatter it. It seems natural the Grand Evolutionist would deal in biotech.

 

[Malrex]

@Malrex : You are THE MAN....or maybe not a man at all, a White Rhino---a thing so rare in the OSR: an actual editor. Many thanks. Got to nail this stuff down before October.

Thanks, but I'm not perfect. I certainly don't want to come across as someone being negative about people's efforts. My sole intention is to try and help (and I learn along the way as well) so if I piss you off, I'm honestly not trying too. I'd expect the same from my efforts.

 

[Osrnoob]

To your left is an optical illusion ala Neverwhere. It appears as a wall but when standing in the triangle in the center of the room is actually a narrow passage. (Wind blows from this direction)

A mother Bear is currently napping hidden in this recesses of the passage. Her cubs are beyond at the end of the hallway with 1000 gps and expensive tapestries + violet love potion (HEAVY SLEEPERS, will not wake up if mom leaves). Any light shines in the distance.

 

[DangerousPuhson]

Her cubs are beyond at the end of the hallway with 1000 gps and expensive tapestries + violet love potion

Ah, the Final Fantasy approach to treasure placement. Yes, the wolf has a ring of fire and 756gil - No, I don't know why it does or where it was keeping it.

 

[Osrnoob]

Ah, the Final Fantasy approach to treasure placement. Yes, the wolf has a ring of fire and 756gil - No, I don't know why it does or where it was keeping it.

Lol I have been influenced !

Thats the same as a dragons horde ala Hobbit though yeah? Maybe the bear likes shiny things and collects them for the cubs idk